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Several
years ago, 13 to be exact, I was living the life of a Rock star. Making
money, partying every night, Playing shows in the band, and having
casual sex with any good looking female that crossed my path. It's a
shame how you never really know what your getting yourself into. All
you know is that it's fun and easy.
In the midst of this life
style, I was bangin a groupy chick who use to hang out at our practice
studio. I guess she thought we were an item within the month or so we
were together. This all changed when she found out I was sleeping with
her best friend.
Months went by, she moved on and so did the
party life for me. One night at a party I ran into a friend of her's
who informed me that she was pregnant with a little girl. LIke the
typical male, I immediatley tried to blame it on someone else, however
,deep inside I new it was mine.
Despite the fact that I had a very
hateful, angry, sinful heart, I would always say..... "If I ever had a
kid... It would change my life around". So I decided I would try to
find this girl to work something out with her. Unfortunatly I couldn't
find her. So, I went to her family to explain my plans to change, for
the sake of my child. Her family contacted her and her response was, "I
don't want anything to do with him"(stabb in the heart #1). Come to
find out, she met someone else, whom I'm convinced she told "it's his
kid". So with a deep wound in my heart, I had no choice but to move on.
For
the next couple of years not a day went by that I wouldn't think of my
little baby girl. I would often talk about how I'd love to know her and
be part of her life. I wondered what she might look like, If she had my
eyes or my smile.
One day as I was sitting in a prison cell. I
got a letter from my mom telling me," this girl called confessing to be
the mother of my child. She said, she promised to contact me.
Unfortunatly she never did get a hold of me, nor did she leave any
contact info. Once again my hopes arose for nothing (stabb #2).
Bye
the time I parolled from prison, I met the love of my life "Kim". We
fell in love, married, and were pregnant with our first child. I was so
exited to be a father... "it's a boy" nothing could get me down.
One
day I was at work and a lady walked in with a beautiful 3 year old
little girl. Upon a second glance I realized it was the women who
stabbed me in the heart. Talk about a flood of emotion... what the hell
do I do? Do I smile, laugh, cry, cuss, kick her in the @#$!@# head!!!!!
Have you ever been here? Pretty tuff spot. I didn't know what to do. So
I did what any newly converted Christian man would do and I said,
"hey.. how have you been". She said, "Good...This is your daughter".
Evidently,
she ended up marrying the dude she was with when she was pregnant and
now they were getting divorced. So what does that have to do with me?
Well, like I said, he thought the child was his, so like any hard
headed father, he wanted custody. So again, what does that have to do
with me? (Stabb # 3) Could it be that she had a change of heart and
just wants her daughter to know her real father? Hell no!! She just
needs my blood to prove that it's not his kid and so she can have
custody.
So here's my problem... I have been married a year, my
wife is 8 months pregnant, I just bought a house for my family... that
I cant really afford ....I have no money and If I give my blood, I'll
have to pay child support.... and I can't. But I really want to know my
child!!! So I think to myself, maybe she'll understand... STUPID !!!!
So I tell her,"i really want to know my child, but I dont have any
money". Of course she says, "Oh no problem.... I just need your
help.....I want her to know you too". So we agree, exchange numbers and
a few days later..(stabb#4) knock, knock, knock... a strange person at
my front door handing me papers to sign for child support.
We go
to court and like always I hope for the best, I think to myself,"1 or 2
hundred dollars...it will be tuff, but we'll make it. I stand before
the judge and try to explain the actions of this women, only to get
repremanded by him and a settlement of 600 dollars a month (stabb#5) I
cant pay it..... However God never leaves his children hanging, it just
so happens, the very next week, I got a job at the church making 600
dollars a month.
From that day on this women has been able to
have major control in my life. She's alway's smug and selfish. She
plans her life and expects me to change mine around her's. She gets my
daughter involved in things that I would never involve my kids in; and
if I'm not there she makes me feel like a dead beat dad. She never
teaches my daughter the value of visiting her Dad, brother and sister.
I'm a struggling pastor. Her and her husband are worth over a million
dollars. They own an 800,000 dollar home, a porshe, bmw, every jet ski,
motorhome, atv, you can imagine. Yet would never budge on the amount of
child support I have faithfully paid. I'm tired......
She
recently changed our visitation weekends around her schedule and then
gave me an attitude when I suggested changing it back. I have never
spent any holidays with my daugher, she always gets her. Well, this
weekend I finally had it. We had a miss communication that caused her a
great inconvenience. Again she got her attitude and got into a little
tiff with my wife. She claims my wife yelled at her which I know she
did not. so I called her back to set things straight.... when without
her realizing I was listening, she called me a f'n a... hole.
(stabb#1,8798) I told her I'm tired of being pushed around and we're
going back to court. amongst many other words.
The bummer is, I
love my daughter very much, but do to the circumstances, it's
impossible for me to work with her mother. I feel like I lost my
daughter again. It hurts so bad. I see no way out. I'm going to leave
you with this.
The moral of the story is .... Do not have sex
outside of marraige. One month of pleasure brought me 18 years of heart
ache. I blame no one but myself. I just hope and pray that someday I
can forgive her mother and that God will protect my little girl.
God help us....
December 23, 2006 | Permalink | Comments (7)
The 777 souls gang started in the garage at willsters house . It was me (middle) Joe (right), willy (left side) ken, marcus, mikey, and tiny. However, the ground work had been layed years before.
In 1977 I
was 5 years old. My first day in school, one of the first friends I can
remember meeting, was a boy name Brian Astran. Him and I played
together at recess, traded Kiss cards (Gene simmons, ace frealy,
ect..), he actually witnessed me kiss my first girl on the play ground.
A couple years later we started playing baseball together and thats
were I met his brother joe, (or joey back then). After games in the
summer I would always spend the night over at brians house and I really
looked up to joe as he was older,bigger, and stronger.
when I got
into jr high I started partying and getting into a lot of trouble, so
brian and I hung out less and less. However the one time I did go hang
with brian, big joe helped me pierce my ear for the first time.
Years went by into our highschool years and we'd socially hang out and smoke weed together, but werent extreamly close. About this time around 1988, I met willster or willy. We became friends through ditching parties and fighting other neighborhoods up a sarki's burger spot. He was always real cool and had this smile that would always pick you up if you were down.
After High school willy and I lost touch, but joe and I became very close. We had a mutual friend, who was my best friend as a senior and just out of high school (Bill carlson.. big bear tattoo). Billy started apprenticing to be a tattoo artist at ink fever with a man named "biker bernie". He started making good money and scored the best weed. In the process, Billy reached out to 3 of his craziest friends to join him in apprenticing to be tattoo artists... me, Joey, and Bill Stewart.
We all became very close. We partied together, lived together, beat people up together, and scored many chicks together. Well, that life style led to destruction. I ended up in prison. Joey did a county year at banning. Billy Stewart became extreamly spunn out. Bill Carlson moved to big bear and started a Tattoo shop.
In this process, God was working on me and Joe. When I parolled out of prison in 1996 I had heard joey gave his life to the Lord. Because I had done the same and was so fired up, I was so happy to hear about this. A few days later, I ran into willster at sears in Riverside and he wasn't doing very good. I told him I was serving the Lord now and he kinda tripped out.
One day I was shopping in Stater bros. and in the middle of the main Isle of the check out stands I spotted Joey. We looked at each other and immedialtly embraced. He was glowing with the Spirit of God and I new right then we would work together to win our generation for Jesus.
A couple years went by while joey, myself, and our wifes would meet to pray and study scriptures. In the process another mutual friend had told me that willy was going to church. I said, "no way, let me get his number". That day we talked on the phone and the rest was history. Us 3 have been together since, through many trials and tribulations God continues to prepare us for a huge Revilval to come.
These two
guys I consider to be more than my best friends. They are My brothers
in Christ, Partners in the kindgom of God, and the two best friends I'v
ever had. Many people will go their whole life and never experience the
power of this kind of companionship. it is only expereinced through a
true faithful commitment to Christ and I 'm passionate to help anyone
and everyone who desires it.
Thank you Lord for joey and willy
December 20, 2006 | Permalink | Comments (2)
My last post I shared about the demon experience I had. we'll I posted this same story on myspace and I got a response from the man whom the demons came out of... His name is Ray. I didn't want to share his name until he was ready. these are his words......
i am this person
WOW guys thank you, reading this really humbles me. tears are dripping down my face as i write this. the things i'v seen, i don't wish upon anybody. Pauline my Beautiful Wife has only seen a glimps of what i experience, it's so obscure that she couldn't believe what was coming out of my mouth. GOD is real to me!!!!!!!!!! i have never prayed so much in the last couple of days, and every time i do i cry. to all of you that believe in GOD, spritis are real demons are real. like tj said they gave me power they gave me what i wanted. but now they have come for me to pay. i had everything an average man could want in life. i had a family, a Beautiful Family, a great Wife (Pauline) who put me on a pedal stool and was very much in love with me, two wonderful kids ( Victoria and Phillip), but i did not have GOD!!!! i truely believe that the mistakes that i made are from my anger that was powered by the evil that i sought after and craved. i come to GOD and except JESUS CHRIST as my SAVIOR, i pray that GOD will work through me, the feeling that i have had this week is unreal, it's beautiful!!!!!!! i never felt that with my anger. i would and will die to keep feeling this light and the love that i experience (ask yourself,,,,would you die and be beaten like JESUS CHRIST was) i pray to GOD to bring the love back into my family to re-unit Pauline and I. this feeling is so sureal it feels strang because i have always had a hole in my chest, now that it is full it seems empty; but my heart is happy. i pray that they (the deformed demons around me) don't enter my heart to push GOD out, you may not see them but they are there, trust me, they are there..... THANK YOU GOD, THANK YOU MY BROTHERS AND SISTERS,,,,,,,,,,, THANK YOU PAULINE FOR INDURUNG WHAT I HAVE PUT YOU THROUGH, PLEASE FORGIVE ME, I LOVE BABE
Please pray for my buddy Ray. He needs a lot of love and support. T.J.
December 15, 2006 | Permalink | Comments (1)
Even
though we live in the greatest country in the world, there are some
downfalls. Spiritually we have become blind to the supernatural. We are
so focused on technology and education that we are missing the mark.
The truth is, there is a Kingdom of God and a kingdom of darkness.
These kingdoms, being spiritual take faith to opporate in. Most people
say they believe this, but like seeing santa claus, they've never
really had the expereince.
I recently began reading a book
called "defeating dark angels", by Dr. Kraft. It's a book about true
demon deliverance. Dr. Kraft shares his experience with defeating the
power of Satan in the lives of Christians. Yes.... I said Christians.
Many people think that Christians can't be possesd. I agree. They
cannot be possed, however they can be demonized. This simply means that
if you have sin in your heart, it's like garbage and demons are like
rats that feed on the garbage. You may have a level 5 of sinful rage in
your heart and the demons will crank that up to a level 10 before you
know it. Dr. Kraft suggest we deal with the Garbage and cast the demons
out.
I recently began running into an old friend of mine from
high school. Our frequent encounters were quit supernatural to say the
least. I would run into her on random occasions in the most odd places.
Come to find out she had been partying with a girl that I had recently
led to Christ. Knowing the girl she was partying with, I just knew that
her life was not going well. So I asked the girl I led to the Lord to
invite her to church. After many invites and myspace messages, she
finally showed up.
After that first day she became very
consistant and would show up on a weekly basis. Every time I would see
her she would tell me, "I need to talk with you about something.
Strangly though, everytime we set up a time, something would change. I
new something was wrong.
In the midst of this, she introduced
me to a man she had been bringing to church. I didn't think anything of
it other than... this guy seems very cold and angry. Come to find out
this man was her husband of 8 years and they had been going through a
nasty divorce. I thought it would be a good Idea to invite him to a 777
chapter meeting.
We began to dialogue over the phone. When
Wednesday rolled around, he called to get directions to the meeting.
After giving him directions, I hung up and realized I was going to be
late to that meeting. About 15 minutes later I called him back to tell
him i'd be late, when in a rage he explained that he was not coming
because that @..$@..$ Bitch and him got into a fight. I told him to
relax and trust me. I said, "bro, this is a spritual attack. Just trust
me and show up. I promise you will feel better if you do". He
said,"I'll try" and then hung up the phone. Well, I showed up 30
minutes late to the chapter and he was not there. As our we got into
prayer, he walked through the door broken and dejected. I gave him a
happy head nod and welcomed him in.
That night our chapter got
into a diologue over the issue of salvation and reaching out to our
friends. All of a sudden he chimmed in with some off the wall,
theological, jargon. Everyone looked confused and a little
uncomfortable. With out causing any further confusion I sort of defused
the situation and redirected the conversation. Although I seemed cool
and collective, inside I could sense some very strong demonic forces
inside him.
After that night many other chapter members sensed
the very same thing and brought it to my attention. I became very
concerned about this brother, whom I believe loves God and.... deep
inside is a very good person.
The following Sunday I ran into
his wife (my old friend) early at church. As we began to talk about
some issues, he walked up. At the same time my phone rang and I had to
get it. within the awkward silence they motioned goodbye to me and
walked into the church service.
As Matt began to preach, I was
standing at the back of the gym looking over at them. all of a sudden,
he got up and walked back to were I was. He began opening up to me
about some issues of anxiety and anger. I thought to myself, well I can
totally identify with that, because I have the same struggles. As we
talked, he took me back to his childhood and confessed some very
intimate things to me. He explained how he comes from a military
background and was very unloved by his father. At this point I started
to sense this same darkness again. All I could think about was this
book I had been reading and how Dr. kraft casts out these demons. I
immediatley and silently I said to God, "no way am I going to do this
Lord". But as the man continued to talk I was prompted to ask if he had
ever encountered demons. With out missing a beat, he immedialty
confessed that he had studied black magic in the military to gain power
in the understanding of legions and demon formation. He said," the
demons would give me power to accomplish things". I said to him, "this
is the point at which you have allowed these demons a foot hold in your
life". He said, "I know". Now I'm really tripping out. I can't believe
I am in the middle of this situation. I say,"do they have names"? He
said, "yes but I can't remember them all". I said, "What do they do to
you"? He said, "right now they only prevent me from crying. deep inside
I'm crying, but nothing will come out". I thought to myself, "oh crap"
now what? So I said, "o.k. we need to pray and ask the Holy spirit to
guide us and tell us what to do". I knew at this point I couldn't just
cast these demons out. I can just imagine them throwing this dude down,
puking everywhere and the whole church freaking out at what was
happening. So, I calmly asked the Holy Spririt to tell us what to do.
As
I began to pray I felt the man trembling under the touch of my hand on
his shoulder. I then became emboldened to command these spririts of
anxiety, rage, anger, and destruction to leave in the name of Jesus. At
the name of Jesus, this man began to cry as if he were a levy holding a
milliion gallons of water, waiting to be released. Tears of freedom and
release.
After prayer I looked into his eyes and asked if he
had confessed Jesus Christ as Lord, to which he had replied yes. I then
asked if he had been baptized. He said not since he was a little boy. I
said, "God want's you to be baptized today". He said, "I can't because
she has plans and she'll be furious at me and I don't wan't to make her
mad". I said, "you have to learn to submit to God and not to the fear
of making her mad". I said, "tell her you need to get baptized and that
you would like her to be there". Do not ask her to desert her plans or
watch the kids while you get Baptized. we will take care of all that".
He said ok and went back into service.
After service I seen him
talking to her out of the corner of my eye. He didn't listen to me! I
could see her body language as he talked and then I seen him storm off
in a fit. As I explainded to her what was going on i kept thinking to
myself... He needs to be baptized.. he needs to get baptized. Now he's
gone and this really sucks.
One hour later and time for baptism,
I look over and there he is. As we all gathered around the pool to
baptize. Joey, will, and Rod, call him into the water. Joe asks him if
he would like to share anything. As he began to address the crowd,
overwhelmed with emotion he broke down again and started praying...
"God forgive me for allowing these demons into my life... God forgive
me" and the boys lowered him into the water.
I am convinved that
we have the authority in Christ to command demons when prompted by the
Holy Spirit. We must not make a mockery of this process or make it into
a show. If we have pure intentions and truly love God and people, he
will use us in this way. I believe my friend was delivered from those
demonds, however if he does not deal with the garbage of sin in his
life, they will be back.
December 13, 2006 | Permalink | Comments (1)
December 08, 2006 | Permalink | Comments (0)
O.k.... So my buddy Tom (geektom) can't wait to here how the event went and I have actually been wussing out on blogging lately. I sometimes get this attitude that, "if its not perfetct" or "if it's not this great idea", than I have trouble blogging (insecurity)
Anyways, I havent recieved any pictures or anything from the event so I'll just give ya a little brief. In a nutshell I think this event will be remembered for a long time. We had a couple hundred people show up, great music, video, and about 12 people gave there lives to Christ. Not bad for the first one.
December 05, 2006 | Permalink | Comments (6)